Have a New Kid by Friday

Have a New Kid by Friday

Four-year-old Matthew came out of preschool in a foul mood. His mother buckled him into his car seat, pulled out of the lot, and from the back seat a thin voice said: "I hate you." His mother said nothing. She didn't ask why, didn't defend herself, didn't make a show of being hurt. She just kept driving.

At home Matthew dropped his backpack and announced his usual afternoon request: cookies and milk. His mother said, calmly, "No cookies and milk today." Then she turned her back and walked into the other room. Matthew followed and asked why. She repeated the same sentence and walked away again. By the third time he was hanging onto her leg, insisting that he didn't understand, because this had never happened to him before. That was when she crouched down to him and told him the real reason: she didn't like the way he had spoken to her in the car.

What came next was a full collapse. Crying, apologies, hugging. His mother accepted the apology, hugged him, genuinely made peace with him. Then Matthew asked his last question: so could he have the milk and cookies now? "Honey, I said no." And he didn't get them. Kevin Leman tells this story at the front of his book, and then asks a single question. Do you think that little boy will think twice before he talks to his mother that way again?

Leman's book argues that a child's behavior isn't decided inside the child. It's decided in the half second in which the parent answers it. It goes after three big questions. Why does a child repeat exactly what has worked for him so far? What do you put in the place of shouting, threats and long explanations? And how much of this still holds up today, versus how much is the outlook of a 2008 American book that a parent now would be better off leaving on the page?