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Sex Talks
Vanessa Marin & Xander Marin
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What is Sex Talks about?
The most important conversations couples avoid having. Sex therapist Vanessa Marin and her husband distill twenty years of clinical work into five frank conversations every couple needs to have, and a script for how to actually have them. Honest, practical, and refreshingly free of pop-psychology hype.
Key ideas of Sex Talks
Sexual Scripts and Silence
Unexamined beliefs absorbed in childhood about desire and intimacy quietly drive couples into silence without either partner noticing.
Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire
Most libido mismatches stem from two different desire types, and naming the difference removes much of the shame and misreading.
Five Sequential Conversations
Talking about acknowledgment, connection, desire, pleasure, and exploration in order builds the communication foundation a lasting sex life requires.
Read an excerpt from the summary
Sex Talks
Three years into their marriage, Vanessa and Xander Marin had a sex life that looked fine on paper. They were communicating well. They were not fighting. But after their first child arrived, they stopped having sex almost entirely -- and neither of them said a word about it. Not because they did not care. Because they did not know how to start the conversation. Vanessa is a licensed marriage and family therapist who had spent over a decade helping other couples fix exactly this problem. And she was stuck in her own version of it.
That gap -- between knowing what couples need and actually being able to say it out loud to the person sleeping next to you -- is the entire subject of this book. Sex Talks, published in January 2023 by Simon and Schuster, became an instant New York Times bestseller. It was written by Vanessa and Xander together, the two of them alternating perspectives throughout, partly because Vanessa wanted the book to be something couples could read together, and partly because she recognized that a sex therapist writing alone about her own marriage was missing half the story.
The central argument is this: long-term couples do not fail at sex because of a lack of attraction, technique, or time. They fail because they never learn to talk about it. The silence is not the symptom of a broken relationship. The silence is the problem.
This is a book written by two people who built their marriage on the same principles they teach -- and who, by their own account, needed all of them. Vanessa is a licensed MFT with over 20 years of experience in sex therapy, a large following on Instagram and TikTok, and a podcast called Pillow Talks that has amassed millions of listeners. Xander is not a therapist. He is the person sitting across the dinner table from a sex therapist, navigating the same anxieties and silences that his wife helps other couples work through. Both voices are in the book. That is not a stylistic choice. It is an argument: these conversations are not naturally easier for the person who knows the theory.
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Continue in the appWho is it for?
- Anyone who has avoided talking about sex with their partner because they did not know how to start.
- Anyone who feels stuck in a cycle of initiation, rejection, and growing distance in a long-term relationship.
- Anyone who has noticed their sex life quietly declining after a major life change such as having a child or increased stress.
- Anyone who wants a practical, honest framework for maintaining physical intimacy over years, not just months.
About the author: Vanessa Marin & Xander Marin
Vanessa Marin is a licensed marriage and family therapist with over 20 years of experience specializing in sex therapy. She has built a large audience through her podcast Pillow Talks and her presence on social media, where she translates clinical knowledge into practical guidance for everyday couples.
Xander Marin, her husband and co-author, brings a non-therapist perspective to the book. His voice runs throughout, offering an honest account of navigating these conversations from the partner side rather than the professional one.
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