How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk — Summary

The boss who blew up, and the friend who didn't help

Imagine your boss asks you for a report by morning. Three fires break out, and the report never gets written. The next day he listens for thirty seconds, then waves you off. "I'm not interested in your excuses! What the hell do you think I'm paying you for? To sit around all day on your butt?" Before you can say another word, he turns his back. "Save it."

When you get home and tell someone what happened, notice what answers come back.

"Don't make such a big deal out of it. It's not worth getting upset about."

"Life is like that. Things don't always turn out the way we want. Take it easy."

"You know what you should do? Tomorrow morning go into his office and tell him..."

"Why didn't you say something in advance, when you knew it wouldn't be ready?"

"Try to see it from his side. He's under pressure too."

"Oh, you poor thing. That's just terrible."

"Do you think the real reason this got to you is that your boss represents a father figure to you?"

Not one helps. After the denial you are angrier, after the pity you feel pitiful, after the advice you stop talking. Then comes the eighth version, where your friend says only this: "That sounds like a rough experience. He didn't even hear you out." And something inside you lets go. Nothing is solved. The deadline is still missed and the boss is still a jerk. But you can breathe.

This thought experiment does not come from a management course. It sits in the first chapter of a 1980 parenting manual, so that an adult reader can feel firsthand what he does to his child every day.